4 years: 4 Lessons

This month marks the third time I’ve hit my 4 year anniversary at a company. Last time two times I made this milestone, I was already on my way out of the door. It was almost as if my frustrations and the resulting burnout were on a timer.

This time I’m breaking that cycle.

Staying long-term wasn't about finding the perfect job; it was about changing my approach to leadership, my personal standards, and my focus.

Here’s what I’ve learned and how I’ve changed.

Lesson 1: I’ve chilled out.

I was a perfectionist with unreasonably high standards for myself and others.

Those skills you think are obvious. The frustrations that people should just “be adults.” I’ve learned there is no such thing as an adult. Those are skills and not everyone has them.

It’s my job as a leader is to recognize, appreciate, and leverage an individual’s strengths. I now bring more compassion and understanding to my interactions with my teams and peers.

Most importantly, every time I’m annoyed at work, I schedule something to do outside of work. I still have high standards and will never be someone who can “care less." My frustration is a signal that I need to shift that focus to other parts of my life.

Book that helped me learn this lesson: Gifts of Imperfection by Brenè Brown

Lesson 2: Values aligned growth

I learned that my biggest frustrations in my previous roles were when my values no longer aligned with my company’s values. Maybe when I joined things were different but eventually, there was a big enough divergence that I had to step away.

Now, understanding and communicating my values is my top priority. It starts with self awareness and figuring out what matters to you. I am also lucky and privileged enough to be in a position to be able to have a role that aligns with those values. It means focusing on the things I can control and showing up in a way that meets those values.

It’s shown up in things like Open Space sessions with 150+ people in product dev because I spoke up about what I value in team on-sites and made it happen.

Book that helped me learn this lesson: Dare to Lead

Lesson 3: Feedback is everything

In my first few years as a manager, I knew feedback was important but that didn’t mean it was easy. I messed up a few times: being too indirect in feedback conversations, trying to ease my own discomfort, and not setting clear expectations.

Practice makes perfect. I focus on preparing for feedback conversation, giving feedback early and often, and giving the right balance of positive feedback.

I learned that my high performers and those that are engaged deserve more of my focus and time. If someone doesn’t want to grow, then I’m not going to run myself ragged chasing after them.

However, I don’t avoid the hard conversations with low performers. But I prepare for them differently, I look for their strengths as much as their weaknesses. I check that in the right mindset for the feedback conversation.I really love the Engaged Feedback Checklist from Brené Brown. I also make sure they are prepared for a feedback conversation, even simply by asking “Hey, can I give you some feedback on that document your just shared?”

Book: Radical Candor, Dare to Lead

Lesson 4: When not If

I used to want to fix every problem all at once. Every problem was treated like a fire drill. I was always exhausted and frustrated that no one saw it the way I did.

Now I know how to set a reasonable amount of goals with reasonable timeframes. This means evaluating three key factors before committing: 1. Current Team Capacity, 2. Alignment with Business Priorities, and 3. The Availability of Necessary Context. I’ve learned to say “not right now” or “next year” rather than just “no.”

Books that helped me learn this lesson: The Crux and Essentialism

Conclusion

Overall, the reason I broke my four-year cycle was a shift in perspective. I stopped trying to force outcomes and started trying to give myself and others grace.

As you face challenges in you career, take time to learn from them so as to not end up in the same situation. There are usually a multitude of factors at play. Make sure you’re addressing the ones in your control.

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